


He Used To Be Mine

by robertstanion



Series: PEIPHQ Shenanigans [30]
Category: Black Friday - Team StarKid
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Autistic John McNamara, Backstory, Depression, FLUFF EVENTUALLY, Flashbacks, Kidfic, M/M, Other, PTSD, a songfic if you squint, anxious xander lee, it's a very mcnamander song ngl, loosely based off of She Used To Be Mine from Waitress, mentions of child abuse and self hatred, non binary character, non-verbal autistic character, with a happy ending, xander has powers au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-12
Updated: 2020-09-12
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:01:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,644
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26431594
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/robertstanion/pseuds/robertstanion
Summary: Xander reflects back on when things between him and John were okay in high school, and ended up with how he dealt with john's ptsd
Relationships: John McNamara/Xander Lee, McNamander and their two kids
Series: PEIPHQ Shenanigans [30]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1764349
Comments: 4
Kudos: 6





	He Used To Be Mine

**Author's Note:**

> any tws i can think of have been mentioned in tags already, but adding to that: a loss of someone close and depressive episodes
> 
> anyway she used to be mine from waitress has mcnamander energy convince me otherwise

He didn’t deserve John McNamara. That was one thing that was clear. John McNamara, the man he’d known since high school, where they were close, but drifted until 2007, where their spark became a flame that burned eternally. Over the years, they’d gone through so much together. Several near deaths, fights over minor things, fights over major things, including John’s foolishness, neither of them taking their meds, but it was because they cared. They never fought for the sake of it, and they usually ended up crying in each other’s arms at the end of it.

But in 2021, things changed. They adopted two children, two beautiful children in need of a good home. They’d been through so much at the small price of losing their own family. With years of being in care, they’d learnt to trust John and Xander, and he saw how his husband adapted. He became more flexible, he became calmer. He was the one to help with the homework while Xander cooked in the background, and he was also the one to comfort Penny if things got too much.

But with everything, there were the hard days as well. John still had PTSD, and Xander lived in fear that one day, his husband would meet the same fate that Wilbur once had. He feared every single day that their kids would be left without the main source of light in their life, and the rain would pour down, and the clouds would cover the sun. Xander often lay awake on nights like that, if John was out away on an important mission.

17 years ago, he’d sworn not to fall in love, and most nights while John was away, he ended up entangled in one of his hoodies, flicking through videos he had of the two of them on his phone, grasping on to the little things. He looked back through the many diaries he kept over years, and read every single entry. Every one of them mentioned John.

Xander was an emotional soul. When he’d told John about his powers, he’d broken down mid-way through, and John had held him tightly, and held the back of his head to his chest as he continued to explain, sobbing. When his dad got hospitalised, John was there for him, and John had always been there for him, but with John’s PTSD diagnosis came a new kind of fear Xander had never experienced before.

He’d always worried he wouldn’t be a good enough boyfriend, and he was sure everyone in a relationship had worried about that at some point, but it was different for him considering he wasn’t too good at comforting people his age. He was much better at comforting younger kids, which is why he was good with the younger recruits at work. Yet that one time he walked home from work, and saw John sobbing on the kitchen floor, every instinct kicked im, and he could only wish he did a good enough job. In the dark periods of John’s life, Xander was the rope to pull John off of the cliff, and he held him while he cried. He had to work twice as hard while John recovered, so it wasn’t easy because John _needed_ him, but they made their way.

There were times where John would reject any consolation Xander tried to offer. Those days, he’d run up the stairs with tears dripping down his face, and lock himself in his room. Xander could only listen as he heard John break down on the other side of the door. There’d be days at work where John lost another agent on the field, and they’d died in his arms. Those days would be spent in Xander’s lab, cuddled in the corner, while Xander stroked his hair, reminding him that what happened couldn’t have been his fault. There were nightmares that became the norm, but they faded after around a year. Xander stayed. He couldn’t leave.

Yet it was hard for Xander to recognise his own husband some days. He often thought back to high school, where John was in a dark place in his life but hid it well, and he’d ride on Xander’s motorbike home with his hair down. They’d mess around in lessons, and race at breaks and lunches. They flirted with each other, and it was harmless, and everything changed when they graduated.

He found out that John got kicked out two years after, and also found out he’d been homeless for three weeks, and Xander had blamed himself. They’d been so close, and they’d drifted. Xander had always said if anything happened he could come and stay with Xander permanently. Yes, they’d drifted, but it didn’t mean he didn’t stand by his words. He tried to message John, and nothing went through, and Xander panicked.

Thank God he signed up for PEIP.

But sitting on a bench above the cliffs that hung over the beach, he set his book down and looked down, seeing a flash of golden hair and a familiar laugh that echoed around the land being chased by two younger kids. He felt his heart warm up and crossed his arm across his chest as he continued to think.

This was one of the good days. They’d parked the JEIP back in the parking lot, and him, John, Jasper and Penny had all taken the small walk down the picturesque trail on to the beach. Xander had decided to do a little bit more research, but had promised he’d join in on the fun later on. It left the other three to go and play.

He wished he could understand John’s state of mind, but it wasn’t a singular path. It wasn’t simple to say how John’s mind work, because he viewed the world in colours and shapes, whereas Xander saw it all with a purpose. Those colours were vivid and pastels, greens of the grass, and blues of the ocean. Golds of the sand, and browns of Xander’s eyes. But sometimes, there would be days where the world would be painted in blacks and whites, and greys in between. Days John couldn’t move, days where the transparent tears rolled down his porcelain skin, and he found comfort in his husband’s arms.

Those days, Xander struggled to recognise him. There wasn’t a laugh, or a smile, in sight. There were only tightly wrapped blankets around a figure wearing oversized clothes, and cotton pyjamas, who could hardly move without his entire soul hurting. On those days, they wouldn’t speak. On those days, Xander would make the lunches for Jasper and Penny, and on those days, he’d be gentle.

On those days, Xander didn’t see that strong, confident general he’d fell in love with. He didn’t see the man in the black, or dark purple uniform he so loved. He didn’t see the pride in his smile, he didn’t see the fire in his eyes. He only saw the string of apologies that flowed from his voice aimed towards the house and the patrons that supported John throughout his life.

John McNamara was traumatised, and he’d only just learnt to accept the fact.

To his friends, colleagues and family, Xander could tell that John could easily take more from them than what he gave back, and that fact was easy to accept, but what wasn’t easy to know, and to acknowledge, was how he wasn’t anything like he used to be. There weren’t any sarcastic jokes, any fake cigarettes, any passing out in the middle of gym because he overworked himself. No forgetting nightshirts at sleepovers and John sleeping in one of Xander’s, no staying up late to talk about the teachers and the schools most recent scandals, and no more pillow fights.

That part was true. Though neither of them ever found themselves at the centre of a scandal, or in the centre of attention, they’d always been happy, and they’d always had each other’s backs. They had Claire Schaffer, but it had always been them. He was sure rumours about a blossoming relationship had started in senior year, but both had been too nervous to ask the other out. Those were the better times, and Xander remembered that John clearer than the dawn of the day itself.

He peered back down to the beach and watch as Jasper jumped into John’s arms, John twirling his son around, another booming laugh filling the scene, and Xander smiled wider. This John, though different, always looked to the bright side if he could, and if he was having a good day. He was imperfect, yet he tried to be the epitome of a grade a student, a trait they’d both picked up in high school. He was a good man, with a heart of gold, but he often lied, whether it be for the good or bad. Whether a soldier was dying, and John was trying to convince them that they’d be okay, or whether it was because he’d “actually done the groceries,” Xander always found out. He didn’t mind.

Despite all of this, he was still so hard on himself. He worried too much that he was like his own father. Not Colonel Cross, Harold McNamara, the most disgusting man who’d lived on the island. He’d picked John up by the collar and thrown him out of the door by the collar while his mother watched, aghast. It was the start of a long decline, and yet he tried to hide it with a false smile that Xander was able to read through.

And sometimes, life would get overwhelming, and he’d become a mess, but he remained the kindest soul on the planet. Even with that one aspect, he had no friends. He struggled to begin with, because he couldn’t tell what was a joke or not, so would easily get upset, but it hurt Xander to see someone so deserving of other people’s love reject it.

But in one shell, in one human figure, he became General Jonathan Myles McNamara-Lee, and he was amazing. Sure, the original version of him had faded away due to what he’d seen, and the trauma he’d obtained, and that version had once been Xander’s, but he was happy with whatever version he wound up with. As long as it was someone to love, and someone who got him, Xander, quite frankly, didn’t care what John was like.

He didn’t ask for John to be so traumatised, and he certainly didn’t ask to see him fall so low. There were times where John’s life almost slipped through Xander’s fingers, and right out of the back door, his spirit rushing to the cliffs, and his personality was carved in such a way that made any other sane person to believe that he was fine. He had to lie to himself ever since he was 17, but now he had Xander, and any doubt washed away.

For all Xander knew, he wasn’t what John had asked for. If he was being honest, he was scared John would turn around one day and throw his belongings into a bag, take the kids, and go, to rewrite an ending, a better chance at survival for both Jasper and Penny, and also for himself. He knew it was unlikely, and it was more what 17-year-old John would have done, the John Xander once knew, but there was always that anxiety that flooded his bones.

Not everything changed. He was still reckless, and he still got hurt, and he still toughened up if someone not close to him asked if he was okay. He still got overly attached, yet denied in, and got bruised, and injured, and drowned in his love. He often got stuck, trying to piece apart his emotions, and would turn to Xander to help figure things out. He got scared, and shocked himself with his talents and his love, but he got stronger every single day, learning more about himself, and the fire in his eyes slowly returned. He’d been gone, the spark had died down temporarily, but now he was back.

Sure, that one variation of John had been his, but so was this John. He may often want high school John back, but it didn’t matter to him. It never mattered to him. He had John, and it was proven by the band on his left ring finger, the family they’d adopted, and the legal documents they kept in their study.

He saw Penny waving at him to come and join them, so he set his rucksack in the JEIP and made his way on to the beach, where John was lying on the sand, Jasper on top of him, while Penny laughed. “Mr McNamara-Lee, do you require some form of assistance?” Xander asked and heard John cough as he poked his head up.

“Please remove the child from the premises. Dad’s strugglin’ to breathe here.” John wheezed slightly as Jasper cheered with delight after Xander scooped him up. He held Jasper against his chest, and John held his hand out to Xander. Xander helped his husband up off the sand, hooking his arm around his waist, kissing him softly.

“You are _covered_ in sand.”

“Yes, don’t remind me.” John sighed and leaned against the other side of Xander’s chest as he looked over to Penny, holding his arm out. “Come on, Fay.”

Penny, who’d since come out as non-binary, who went by the name of Phoenix, but also by the same nickname of Penny as well as Fay, ran forward, colliding with her dads, causing them both to stumble back slightly. Xander laughed, and Jasper squealed again, clapping his hands, and Penny reached up and ruffled Jasper’s hair. “It’s been a good day.”

“It’s been a very good day. But I think we should throw papa in the sea, what do you think Jasper?” John asked and looked at Jasper, who smiled even wider, and then back up to his husband, who had a look of disappointment on his face. Jasper shimmied out of Xander’s arms, and John lifted Xander up, throwing him over his shoulder. Out of protest, Xander began to fight back, but John picked up to a run until he successfully threw Xander back off his shoulder, and he landed in the sea. He came up for air, and immediately tackled John in the water, and for a while, he saw the two of them from high school come back.

Xander wasn’t mad. He loved these days, he truly did. So, when Xander ended up pinning John’s shoulders to the sand, at the edge of the water, the water lapping against them, John reached up and cupped Xander’s cheeks. “I love you, dumbass,” he whispered, and Xander smiled.

“I love you too.” With that, John began to cough, almost dramatically, and Xander raised an eyebrow. “Do I have to give you CPR or something?”

“It appears I may have died in the ocean and require reviving.

Xander shook his head but moved John’s wet hair away from his face and kissed him softly, with Fay telling them it was gross, but Jasper only cheered. When they pulled away, they looked at each other again, and they were both smiling.

“I didn’t know you could carry me like that, old man,” Xander teased, and kissed John’s nose as he helped him out of the water.

“Yeah? Just you wait until I carry you upstairs later.”

“Well, how about we focus on getting home and getting dry? That may be a better place to start,” he said as he let John hook his arm with Xander’s. Both soaked to the bone, they walked back to the beach arm in arm. Though things were rocky, they often powered through and knew they had each other’s backs. They were okay. All of them. They were okay. 

**Author's Note:**

> i hope you enjoyed!! kudos and comments are appreciated!! have a good day!!
> 
> also for the songfic thing )god i know(:
> 
> Day 1: Married In Vegas - McNamander  
> Day 2: Share Your Address - McNamander  
> Day 3: Mr Loverman - McNamander  
> Day 4: Miss You - McNamander  
> Day 5: My Ordinary Life - Lexthan  
> Day 5: Chemicals - McNamander  
> Day 6: She Used To Be Mine - McNamander (lmao watch the next one be mcnamander too)


End file.
